iNcognito
by NeoNails
Summary: Seddie. "It was purely physical. They were a dysfunctional couple. Yeah, she knew it was b.s., too. But no one had figured it out. Yet." Oneshot.


So I saw the preview for the next iCarly episode… (Sam's "evil twin"- I've checked and so far none of the usual TV show sites have the title of the episode…), and Sam (or her evil twin? Whatever. I swear to God, this sounds more like a piece of bad fanfiction than an actual episode) kisses Freddie. Well, hot damn. Even if I know it'll end with everything going back to normal (remember, this _is_ a kids show), I knew _instantly_ that I had to write some good, fluffy Seddie-goodness.

So here you go. XD

$4$

_I wanna drive you into a corner  
__And kiss you without a sound  
__I wanna stay this way forever  
__I'll say it loud!_

- "Hot" by Avril Lavigne

* * *

They were a dysfunctional couple.

She didn't really care. She actually lived off it, and when she had time to think, she knew that, in a weird way, he did, too.

Now was not one of those times to think.

Carly still wasn't aware of their 'relationship,' but that was probably for the best. She'd more than likely gloat, or freak out and worry about what might happen to their iCarly dynamic if they ever were to break up.

Which was why Carly didn't need to know. She didn't get that they weren't _in_ a relationship. Ergo, they couldn't break up. So the dynamic couldn't get screwed up.

It was purely physical.

Yeah, she knew it was bullshit, too.

The second she got a chance- there went many, any more- Carly leaving them alone for a few minutes in the studio to get snacks, the rarely empty A/V room without any other nerds there to notice her, anywhere- she'd jump him.

Surprisingly enough, there were a few times where he instigated, but for the most part she was the one pushing him into empty broom closets and secluded corners and, once, Spencer's bathroom. They only had so much time to spend alone. He worked nonstop- homework, A/V club, nerd-tech stuff- and her schedule was pretty busy, too. Okay, not so much of the homework, extracurricular aspect- though she was the V.P. of Student Council, which she only entered as a bet for fifty bucks, and amazingly won- but she had iCarly rehearsals, and she was kind of a member of her school's Cheer Dance squad (she joined because of another bet, and wound up sticking with it- and so what? She was flexible and she liked to dance- even though she hated almost all the girls on her team). It was really rare when their schedules merged together long enough for them to hang out.

She couldn't explain why she loved hooking up with him so much. She knew it probably wasn't right, but it felt ridiculously good, and she wasn't going to stop doing something she liked. She just wasn't hardwired that way.

She knew he never kissed anyone else but her. She's never kissed anyone else but him. It just adds to the dysfunction.

She doesn't mind.

When she drives him into the corner, after Carly has left them alone in the kitchen, to go to the bathroom, or maybe get something in her room- it's not like she could be expected to pay attention, when he's _looking _at her like that- she's only in control for a few moments. She's pretty sure that's part of the reason why she keeps coming back for more.

Freddie grew _up_ in three years. She was average height- around 5'4, maybe 5'5 on a good day- but he went through a few growth spurts and is now in the 6'1 arena and it's absolutely unnerving that little Fredweird Benson can tower over her with relative ease. And he likes to use his height against her, especially when they're making out.

He might actually be stronger than her now, too, with the recreational time he puts in at their high school's weight room. And while she can sure as hell appreciate the biceps and- holy crappola- abs that he seemed to had developed overnight, it's another thing that unnerves her. A lot.

She would never let him think that he unnerves her, or that, just maybe, she thinks he might be stronger- it would go straight to his head, and he'd never let her forget it.

Every time, he overpowered her in the kiss, and every time, she let him. In every other situation, she'd totally bat him around and yell at him for trying to push her around. But there's something about the way that he kisses her- just enough pressure to keep her clawing for more, and that way he sucks her bottom lip into his mouth, and how, when she digs her fingers into his scalp, he grabs her by the waist and hauls her body flush against his, a delicious mix of soft lines and hard planes- and it makes her toes curl in anticipation, and her stomach tighten, and brings up a whole host of new emotions that she has no idea how to process.

"God, I hate you," she growled once, when he had her pressed against the A/V room door, and was busy tracing the erratic pulse in her throat with his mouth. Her fingers were buried in his hair, as usual. Before this became a regular thing, he still gelled his hair just enough that it looked neat and manageable. But after a few incidents of awkward silences and curious stares, they decided it would be best if he just rocked the "bed head" look so people stopped asking questions when his hair went from "neat" to "unruly."

He laughed when she said that, like he always did whenever she got pissed at him for using her weakness against her. This sent another wave of pleasure down her spine, because when he laughed like that, it wasn't his normal laugh- it was low and husky, with just enough gravel to set her teeth on edge.

"You're a jackass," she snapped back, and before she could smack him he pressed his lips against that one spot where her jaw met her ear and she moaned. He knew from past experience that it was the one place that made her crumple into pieces, no matter what.

But it ended the way it always did- one of them heard Carly coming down the stairs, or the A/V nerds' laughter, and they were forced to hastily separate and wipe their mouths of any remains of their activities.

Not that it mattered. No one had figured it out.

Yet.

**

* * *

**

Carly sipped on her Mangoberry smoothie and flipped through the list of possible skits to do on the next iCarly segment. She heard someone coming down the stairs and turned around . Spencer was walking down the stairs, his face an odd mixture of amusement and fear.

"Did you know-" he stopped talking, just pointing up, towards the iCarly studio, his voice strangled and uncertain.

She smirked, setting down the papers. "Yes," she said, fingering the straw of her smoothie thoughtfully.

"Have they-"

"Since halfway through freshman year," she answered, smiling a little wider.

"And do they-"

"Nope," she said, grinning now. "They think that no one has any idea."

"But-"

"I know," she said, nodding once. "But this is also coming from the two idiots that think that they're not dating right now."

Spencer glanced back at the top of the stairs, then turned and looked at his little sister. Finally, he said, smiling in that loveable, dopey way of his, "You're friends are weird."

She took another sip of her smoothie, chuckling. "Yeah," she admitted, "But they're my weird friends."

$4$

For once, I really don't have anything to say about my latest oneshot, other than I liked it. Hope you guys did, too! :D


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